Thank you for praying for the Patrick family. Josh went home to Heaven Sunday morning, surrounded by his favorite people.
Heaven is a much richer place with our friend there.
While we are happy for him, we’re sad for his family and for us. Just like Josh’s favorite movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, our community has lost its George Bailey.
We all enjoyed being in Josh’s orbit. The light of Jesus shined through him like the sun and it was life-giving to bask in the warmth of his encouragement and love.
Josh was a fighter. I know that’s said about pretty much everyone with cancer, but for him it was true. When his doctors gave him two years to live, he pressed in to Jesus and doubled that time. His family came first. He loved his wife and kids well–and taught us each Sunday at Harpeth Christian church up until this month.
Still, it wasn’t long enough.
Josh was a gifted preacher. He lived to serve and love others and his greatest passion was to point anyone in his orbit to the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I’m pretty sure all of his Harpeth family can say he helped us trust and follow Jesus. He believed in discipleship and modeled it well. He was my go-to friend when I had a question or was stumped about discipleship with the women I lead. I’m going to miss his wise words.
Josh had a gift of making everyone feel like a best friend. We were all special and heard. To hear everyone talking this week, you’d think we were back in junior high comparing who Josh loved more and who knew him longest.
Which means there’s going to be hundreds of best friends gathered for his Celebration of Life on Friday. I just hope they don’t run into each other.
What a precious legacy to leave.
Joni, Josh’s bride (as he sweetly calls her), and their three girls, are the pieces of his heart he left behind for us to love. I’ve come to love Joni like a little sister and I’m grateful God brought our families together. They’re going to need emotional support from all of us, but not just this week or next week, but next month and next year and the year after that.
So, for those of us who have not experienced the loss of a loved one up close, you might be wondering what to do or what to say. When my own mom passed away to cancer I learned a lot. I thought I’d share a few ways you can help.
I’m pretty sure we belong to the most amazing church, full of loving people, but still, deep loss leaves you raw and aching and there are ways to love someone well when they’re grieving and ways to do it not so well.
- Be there but not now. When someone we love hurts we want to fix it. Dropping off a meal, calling and texting are all great—but these kind gestures are even more appreciated when the dust settles. Set your google calendar for a few weeks from now. Send cards and flowers, or make a meal. It will be a huge help when life goes on and calls and cards are few and far between.
- Pray for the family. This one is a no-brainer. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16
- Don’t ask, “How are you doing?” How do you think they’re doing? Better yet, don’t ask questions. Most things we’re curious about are none of our business. The very best things you can say are “I’m sorry.” Or “I love you.” When you want to love with a healing word, just know it’s incredibly thoughtful just to say, “I don’t know what to say.” or to give a hug and say nothing at all. The truth is, there’s not one sentence we can string together that can help ease pain, not one.
- Don’t say, “If you need anything please let me know.” A grieving person doesn’t know what they need. Everyone’s heart is in the right place when we say this, but honestly, no one who is grieving will ever respond to this. If there’s something you want to do, ask or offer something specific but be okay if the person says no for now.
- Don’t school a child on Heaven. I resented hearing my mom was in a better place. I knew she was but I wanted that place to be with me…and I was a grown adult. When children are involved, it’s best to let them lead a conversation. You see, if you’re not close before a loved one dies, they won’t include you in their pain. Grief is intimate. Only a select few are invited in. Instead, give a hug. Share a smile.Tell a child you love them. That’s more helpful than you know.
- Do talk about the person. It’s been almost twenty years since my mom’s been gone and I still hang on to every story someone shares about her. I wish people would talk about her more.
- Write it down. For those of you who don’t enjoy writing, I’m sorry. But, the best gift you can give a loved one is a story about the person they’ve lost. Share on paper your favorite memory or how your life changed because of their loved one. The memories being shared about Josh are amazing. I’m amazed at how many Josh brought to faith in Jesus—even dragging a few to the cross. What a gift these stories would be on paper for his wife and kids. Share your story and mail it to the family or to the church. For those feeling like you didn’t say thank you or goodbye, writing a letter or sharing a story can be healing.
- Do something. The Holy Spirit will bring to mind what you can do. Act on it. But, remember, doing something anonymously or in secret is even more precious. If that “something” you want to do needs the attention of the grieving, wait until later. Include your kids in your way to love them. This is your chance to teach your kids that God sees their giving heart even if everyone else doesn’t. It’s the best way to give.
- Be selfless. Whatever you say or do, give without expectation. Loved ones who grieve have no time for thank you cards or calls. That tater tot casserole or homemade banana pudding you dropped off is probably amazing, but I promise it’s the last thing on their mind. Understand that your love for them without expectation is the gift.
- Give Grace. When my mom passed away we were heartbroken. Yet, in between the sleepless nights and the tears there were moments we found pretty hilarious. I can just imagine what people thought when they saw us laughing in the mortuary. Those moments happen. They’re a sweet release. Pain ebbs and flows, but God is so good to show us where to smile and laugh even when we’re hurting. Don’t judge if you happen to see moments where this might seem too soon. Any moment where joy seeps in is a blessing.
The last time I saw Josh, he was in our home with friends to watch the Alabama championship game. Always the southern gentleman, he thanked me both coming and going. Before he left I said, “Are you kidding? We love you.”
He smiled and said, “I can feel the love.” What a sweet reminder of the man who lived his life pointing to Jesus and pulling us all along for the glorious ride.
I think my friend, Joyce Ellis, said it best this week, “If Josh is the kind of people in Heaven, then I’m looking even more forward to getting there.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Doug Robertson says
Great post! Very well said!
JoanneKraft says
Thanks Doug!